Is this what Hell feels like? – Beating the Heat in Korea

If you know me in real life, then you might know that I’m not particularly well-endowed. What does this have to do with Hell, you ask? Well it is SO fricken hot in this country that my non-existant boobs are even sweating. Too much information? Sorry ’bout it.

It is SO fricken hot in this country that as soon as you step foot outside, you are instantly covered in a thick, sticky layer of heat that causes every single pore in your body to stream out copious amounts of sweat.

It is SO fricken hot and humid in this country that the kids I teach don’t have any energy to play because that would include moving and they don’t have the energy for that, nor do I have the energy to conduct said games.

It is SO fricken hot in this country that I actually enjoy long bus rides in traffic because it means continuous, free air conditioning.

It is SO fricken hot in this country that I have fully accepted alcoholism as a part of my life because the only thing I desire when I’m off work is an ice cold beer (give or take a bottle of Soju).

It is SO fricken hot in this country that leaving fruit out for more than a day causes it to rot. And even worse – leaving rice grains out for long periods of time causes maggot infestations (true story).

The heat is unbearable. The heat is insufferable. The heat causes me to be at least 12 times grumpier than usual. There’s no point in “getting ready” in the morning because makeup melts off immediately and hair instantaneously turns into a hot, sweaty mess.

I can handle heat. I’ve been through 120 degree heat waves back home and I survived. This, however, is a whole different story. This is 85% humidity on the reg. This is “92 degrees but feels like 122” bullshit. I. am. NOT. down.

Korea, I knew you were cold. I was prepared for the freezing winters. Nobody, however, warned me of these Hell-like aspects they call “summer”. If you’re going to be 120 degrees, then give me pool parties like in Vegas or give me beaches like in SoCal. If you’re going to be 120 degrees, then give me air conditioning in every single building like in Sacramento. Don’t stuff me in schools with 1500 children and 2 fans and call it a fricken day.

It’s so fricken hot in this country that it’s still 81-feels-like-102 from midnight until 8am, which are the coolest times of the day. Even during the relentless monsoons we sometimes have every other day, it’s still miserably hot and possibly even more humid, causing an internal struggle debating whether or not my rain boots are worth wearing to stay partially dry but make me at least 4 times hotter.

It’s so fricken hot that I can literally feel my skin baking (& tanning profusely) when I’m unfortunate enough to not be shaded for more than 2 seconds.

Lord help us.

Stay tuned for my “Is this what Hell feels like when it has frozen over?” post as soon as summer and the two weeks of autumn are over and winter begins so I can start bitching and moaning about the freezing weather.

(Source: Twitter)

Tips for Surviving Hell (AKA Korea’s summer):

1. Don’t go outside.
2. Drink a lot of beer – I know alcohol makes you warmer but as you’ll be inside, this won’t be a problem.
3. Run the AC and a fan at all times. I never said anything about being eco-friendly.
4. Don’t go outside.
5. Drink a shit ton of water.
6. Drink Soju (see tip #2).
7. Wear very little clothing or nothing at all. Again, as you’ll be inside, this won’t be a problem.
8. Don’t go outside.
9. Buy a cheap hand-held-plastic-on-a-stick fan. They seriously work wonders.
10. Get those popsicle-making things where you can just freeze juice and turn them into a delicious summer treat.
11. Freeze grapes (& other fruit) – solution to fruit rotting after a day and it’s another heat-relieving, ice cold snack.
12. Drink more beer. It’ll cause you to almost-forget how miserably hot you are.
13. And don’t go outside.

Tags: heat wave, weather